Hilarious exchanges between me and the woman (señora) that I live with

(Note: This is ALL in Spanish)

Me: I´m going to go to bed early tonight. I didn't sleep much last night and am feeling kind of sick.
Señora: No, sleep has nothing to do with it. You're sick because you went to the club last night and sweated a lot and then got cold.

Señora: I put a hook for you in the bathroom for your towel. How do you say hook in English? Hooker?
Me: Haha, no. Hooker means prostitute.
Señora: Oh, no. I did not put a prostitute in the bathroom for you.

Me: (Not knowing how to say snake charmer in Spanish) I saw those guys who play the flutes to make the snakes dance.
Señora: (Laughing) Wait, what you actually just said was ''I saw the guys who play with their flutes,'' like, you know, down there (pointing at crotch).

Maid (Yes, we have a maid and her name is Latifah, like the Queen): Bring back some boys from Barcelona!
Me: I don't think so, but we'll see.
Señora: No...She flirts with a lot of guys at the club, but she's a prude.

Me: Hey, I'm back from my run.
Señora: Is it raining outside or did you shower already?
Me: Neither. I'm just really sweaty...

Señora: Make your bed. It looks like a monkey slept there.

Señora: You go barefoot in the house? It must be because of your astrological sign.

Me: I couldn't sleep.
Señora: Why not?
Me: I had a headache and I think that's what kept me up.
Señora: Are you on your period?

(At the dinner table)
Señora: I'm a little bit _____ (word I don't know in Spanish).
Me: What does that mean?
Señora: Constipated.